I came across my other online diary and it seems that I really had many issues back then. Too much drama. Pffft, teenage years and raging hormones.
Well I really wished I were young once again, not having to think about when the reality will bite back. I really don't know why when we were kids, we wanted to grow up. Everything seemed so easy back then. Everything was possible.
If I wanted 'this' and do 'that', it just magically happens. I did even climb the scary mango tree that was rumored to be owned by a 'kapre'. I also did not back out when we played hide and seek late at night on the streets. I even challenged our kapitbahay to a fight when he bad-mouthed me and my friends. Seriously, I thought nothing would scare me off.
Nothing. Big word.
Yes, I admit that I'm a bit scared for now. Anxious is actually the right term for I do not know what exactly brings me to this situation. Well, I have an infinitesimal idea about it. Talk about show off. Hahaha. I recently learned that word from the book that I was reading. Err, I don't remember exactly from what story it came from, since I had read many books/stories (and when I say many, around 30-40. not kidding) since the board exams ended. And that's how I spent my time waiting for the results to come out. It's some sort of my defense mechanism. Pretty weird, huh? Spending the whole day locked up in my room, reading. Or even learn some new pieces in piano.
And now, that I brought that up, it's actually frustrating that I can't even finish One Summer's Day by Joe Hisaishi. I'm learning it for like two weeks now, but it seems that I am not progressing. The piece is actually easy and that makes it frustrating. Normally, I would only spend 2 weeks (school days included) learning a new song, like what I did in mastering Victor's Piano Solo. What the? Now I'm pretty sure playing the piano isn't my talent at all...
Oh, I forgot. I just hope that my parents would let me
join my college friends this Friday. A good friend of mine is actually
hosting a simple get-together plus dinner party. I'm already 20, and it wouldn't hurt them if they would just loosen their grip on me. Come on, I
can already drive but they just won't let me. I mean, my dad. Talk
about trust issues. And it would take another day for me to let out all
my frustrations about that damn word - trust. I don't even think that is written on his vocabulary. [sigh]
Issues, issues.
Well I'm not writing this post so I could talk about my playing skills and chagrin. I'm actually trying to calm my nerves for my sudden anxiety, but it's doing the opposite. Anyway, I may have calmed a bit for babbling too much. I just wish that I won't be needing Benzodiazepams or SSRIs.
Oh Gerd help me.
